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Python

Year: 2001
Director: Richard Clabaugh
Cast: Casper Van Dien, Robert Englund
You've got to feel sorry for Van Dien who - despite his wooden acting - really made an impact in Starship Troopers and then faded into straight-to-video stinkers from then on. Also for Robert Englund, whose resume has been depressingly empty since the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise bled every drop of blood from Fred Krueger.

And they must both have been desperate to appear in this film, unless - like I did, they thought it might be enjoyable for its camp appeal. An army project (the genetic engineering of a 50 foot snake) goes loose in Smalltown USA and wreaks havoc on the local teenagers who have to track it down amid a flurry of 90210-style tiffs and rivalries. Englund plays the eccentric inventor we're supposed to feel chilled by, then sorry for when he wants to atone for his sins, Van Dien the smarmy FBI field chief with an accent and demeanour so bad and corny he might have thought he was in a Naked Gun sequel. Absolute tripe from beginning to end, mostly not even enjoyable tripe.

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