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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

Year: 2012
Studio: Summit Entertainment
Director: Bill Condon
Writer: Melissa Rosenberg/Stephanie Meyer
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Ashley Green, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Maggie Grace, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Cameron Bright

The first thing that always strikes me when I watch a new Twilight film is that it seems – despite myself – I'm not really interested in it.

Kids in the generation below mine can tell me all about who Jasper is, what relationship the Volturi have to the Cullens and the names of all those werewolf boys, just like they know who Tom Riddle really is, what a muggle is and why it matters that Harry Potter can speak that snake language.

But even while I appreciate whatever filmmaking craft I can see in Twilight or Harry Potter movies, I've spent at least a quarter of the running time of each glazing over because I have no idea who everyone is and what they have to do with each other.

I know it's nothing to do with my age, because I can still tell you the name of the lead singer in Jabba's palace band and the name of the run the Millennium Falcon made in 12 parsecs. I think it's just that I've always felt outside Twilight, like it was never really for me the way other movies are.

Because of that, I'm not interested enough to know or remember who all these people are, so it's probably not surprising that whatever's left over (a disposable battle scene, a lot of teenage mooning and moping) just doesn't grab me. And this final episode in particular seemed to have little else to offer – just a lot of sitting around talking and planning and yet another climatic fight on a battlefield in the endless Lord of the Rings style.

It also didn't help that the film was visually very flat and drab, all autumnal hues of grey and brown with nothing to leap off the screen visually. The moping and endless discussion didn't help.

I also found the reveal at the end of the battle a huge cheat much like that in Savages. I can almost hear the studio executive saying 'I don't give a fuck if the book has no big battle scene, think of a way to have one').

Newly-minted Bella (Stewart) and Edward's (Pattinson) baby – the freakishly-growing Renesmee – is a threat to some sort of natural order of things among the vampire clans... or something... so they travel around asking other clans to help them convince the Volturi she's not a threat, and when the nasty Italian group arrives on the snows of Forks, the fight's on... except it's not. That's the whole plot.

I try to judge every movie on its merits and not pay any attention to all the cultural baggage, that's why I watched Twilight in the first place. But whatever language this whole franchise has spoken to its fans, it was lost on me.

But there was a single upside – the first and last time a Twilight movie's ever made me laugh out loud was when Bella snarls at Jacob (Lautner) 'You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness monster?!?'

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