Spring Break Shark Attack

Year: 2005
Production Co: Von Zerneck Sertner Films
Director: Paul Shapiro
Writer: James LaRosa
Cast: Bryan Brown, Shannon Lucio, Kathy Baker
Plenty of spring break, a suspicious dearth of shark attack. You expect dross with a name like this, but nothing prepares you for how cheap, hammy and stupid it really is. It also doesn't help that if you're a gorehound, the sharks takes up about sixty second of the total screen time and the blood – being a TV movie – is toned way down.

If you dropped 90210 on top of Jaws, which is apparently what it's shooting for, you'd still have a better movie than this. A hot young chick is dragged to Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break by her equally hot friends, they're immediately hit on by hot guys (guess which one gets the heroine, the quiet spoken book loving son of the dive boat operator or the conceited, muscly he-man type?) and for most of the running time you'll think you're watching a Zac Efron teen comedy.

At the same time, an unscrupulous tourism operator down the beach (Brown, who should hang his head low in shame for a long, long time) is chumming the water with blood to attract the hordes of dodgy CGI tiger sharks up the coast so the beach gets a reputation as a deathtrap and everyone goes to his beach instead. If an army of sharks are picking you and your hot friends off one by one, are you really going to just drive five minutes away to swim there instead? There's no telling which is stupider – such an idea or the whole movie.

No laughs (not the intended kind, anyway), no action, a premise that's as dumbed down and short as the subtlety-free title and not an ounce of acting or filmmaking talent. Watch it with a bunch of extremely drunk friends on a video night.

But here's one of the most obscure movie connections you'll ever see. It was produced by the company belonging to actress Danielle Von Zerneck, who played love interest Ellie in My Science Project, Richie Valens' girlfriend Donna in biopic La Bamba and most recently Wanda the assistant director in Living in Oblivion.

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