Titanic II

Year: 2010
Production Co: The Asylum
Director: Shane Van Dyke
Writer: Shane Van Dyke
Cast: Shane Van Dyke

One of the enduring mysteries of the filmed arts is whether the producers or creative brains trusts of movies of this calibre know how much everyone's laughing at their projects. The movement came to a head with Tommy Wiseau's The Room, a movie so laughably ill-executed it's a cult classic, and Titanic II has the means to be much the same thing, viewed among groups of like minded people and laughed at for more humour than most comedies.

Cheap, tacky, badly acted, scripted edited and shot, I thought there might be at least some aspect in here to enjoy but no – even the giant wave special effects are the stuff of comedy. And don't get me started on how every door on a brand new luxury ocean liner that happens to lie in the path of escape for the hero and heroine ends up stuck closed.

On the 100th anniversary of the Titanic's infamous voyage, a rich playboy industrialist (writer, director and modern day Ed Wood van Dyke) launches the Titanic II with a complement of rich guests and the girl he once loved as a member of his staff.

Meanwhile, her scientist father (Davison, obviously needing the money after the heights of the X-Men series) witnesses a huge glacier calving in the Arctic circle. It sends a gigantic tsunami across the ocean carrying icebergs with it – right into the path of the Titanic II. With dad's research chopper desperately trying to reach the ship and the passengers panicking, the previously self-centred playboy has to discover that he's only rejected the girl for fear of getting hurt (or something) and find the hero he truly is.

All they have to do is make it from the lower decks to the deck to escape on his chopper and they'll be home and hosed. And it would have been so much easier if someone hadn't jammed every goddamn door they have to get through.

Absolutely no creative artistry, but a hoot from beginning to end.

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