Year: 2017
Studio: Paramount
Director: Seth Gordon
Writer: Jay Scherick/David Ronn/Thomas Lennon/Robert Ben Garant/Damian Shannon/Mark Swift
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Priyanka Chopra, Kelly Rohrbach

So 'franchise Viagra' finally goes limp... Sorry, couldn't help but fire a quick barb at Dwayne Johnson's unofficial moniker in Hollywood and it was a shame to have to watch this movie tank so bad – by all accounts he's the nicest guy working in the industry.

It's also very easy to sit on the sidelines of the industry and laugh every time a movie that seemed like a stupid idea from the start falls in a financial and critical heap. But this train wreck begs the question of who they thought would be interested in a big budget reboot of a camp TV show from the 90s.

Fans of the original series don't go to the movies any more at their age and the kids who do would never have heard of it – those who have would consider the name as creaky, lame and old as David Hasselhoff appears in his inevitable (and unfunny) cameo.

Maybe it's proof of the bubble Hollywood types live and work in where they think everyone else in the world is enamoured with the same strange tastes. The fact that this came so close on the heels of another failure based on a TV show (CHiPs) says something about the studio greenlight process.

When a local crooked property magnate (Priyanka Chopra) starts flooding the local beachside area with drugs to fund her expanding empire, upstanding manhulk head lifeguard Mitch (Johnson) is having none of it. With his experienced crew and a gang of eager new recruits, he's saddled with a pretty boy ex Olympian layabout Matt (Zac Efron) in an effort to boost PR and stop the city from cutting even more of their funding.

While he and Brody butt heads over masculinity, honour and duty, Mitch and his ragtag crew run all over the ocean, beach and locale to blow the lid off the criminal enterprise going on under their noses, getting in the expected amount of trouble with the real police and their city council overlord.

If you want to find one kind thing to say about Baywatch, there is actually a story – as drab and underdeveloped as it is – and you do get the feeling the creative brains trust didn't just want a string line onto which to hang a series of predesigned set pieces and gags.

But don't let that fool you into thinking the set pieces, gags or story have any real quality. The few laughs are cheap and quickly forgotten, and at least there's nothing too taxing going on in the foreground to distract you from the parade of bikinis and g strings in the background.

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